The holiday season can deepen wounds for those grieving as they are reminded of happier times or drift into isolation when they can’t share the expected holiday cheer, an ache further magnified by the pandemic’s complicating factors.

The holiday season can be challenging for those who are grieving. (Image credit: Andrew Brodhead)

Yet, the time of COVID also highlighted a need to make space for grief and suffering in our lives, Stanford scholars say.

“Because we’re so aware of grief now, in many ways it’s made loss normative during the holiday season. It’s taken it out of the shadows,” said the Rev. Dr. Tiffany L. Steinwert, dean for religious and spiritual life. “Something has happened in our collective consciousness. We’re grappling more with what grief and loss mean and can be more open about it and have more conversations.”

Tra la … nah

Holidays can mark a very painful anniversary, such as the first Christmas without a parent, said Helen Hsu, a clinical psychologist and Asian American community liaison for Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) at Vaden Health Services, which regularly holds grief gatherings for students. Young grievers may feel particularly lonely when grieving parents or a sibling since their peers are less likely to be able to relate to their loss, she added.

Grievers often find ways to cope with the anniversary effect; it may include completely changing a holiday tradition if it feels too painful without the person. Others may say a prayer, include an empty chair at the table or hang a special ornament.

“It’s some way of still having their presence there and taking that space to be gentle with each other and not being afraid of talking to people who are living with loss,” Hsu said. “A lot of well-intentioned people don’t know what to say and become distant.”

Some cultures – such as in China or Mexico – normalize grief through traditions, national holidays and more, but Western culture and modern society often don’t make space or share rituals to honor grief, Hsu said.

Also, “the holiday season is always difficult because culturally, we focus on family, joy and happiness. Everywhere you go, there are lights strung up, music playing and the expectation that people’s experience of the holiday season is joyful,” Steinwert said.

This creates discord when juxtaposed with the reality of suffering and may cause isolation as people avoid discussing their loss, she said.

The holiday can also be challenging and bring a sense of loss to those who don’t have a safe and loving home or family to be with at that time, Steinwert said. For example, some students have cultivated caring and supportive communities on campus. Returning home without those supports is sometimes difficult.

Stanford’s grieving resources webpage includes guidance on how to best support those who are grieving, such as what to say and not say. Also, if inviting someone grieving to a party or event, acknowledge that they may not feel up to it and give permission for them to come as they are without pressure to appear happy, Hsu said.

‘It isn’t right’

COVID increased probability for what’s called complicated grief, which occurs when there are factors that make grief harder, such as multiple losses or losses that feel extremely unfair, like when loss is violent, inequitable or unexpected.

Particularly, the pandemic has disproportionately affected communities of color, further complicating loss.

“It’s very uneven,” Hsu said. “There’s a lot of people sitting with ‘I don’t understand how this happened. It isn’t right.’ It creates different stresses.”

People have also faced the added pain and trauma of not being able to say goodbye or mourn normally; for example, if someone was unable to visit someone before they died because of hospital or travel restrictions. Many postponed or missed out completely on customs like memorials and community rituals, potentially prolonging and worsening grief.

As Stanford began holding virtual memorial services for the first time last year, some came to embrace new opportunities, like having a wider community of mourners together in a shared space and being able to share memories in chat rooms.

“We’ve had to learn how to grieve differently,” Steinwert said. “We’ve adapted, and there are some good things that have come out of it.”

This includes an increased community recognition of grief.

“Prior to the pandemic, grief and loss were shrouded in shame,” Steinwert said. “Something about this collective unprecedented loss gives people permission to talk about it and other people understand. It no longer has to be something we keep in the shadows but can be something we can talk about. “

Resources

It’s normal for grief to evolve over time, Hsu noted. “Every life stage will feel different, and hopefully, we make time to honor it.”

Stanford offers various grieving resources to help address emotional, academic, spiritual and financial needs so people can focus on taking care of themselves and others.

There are regular grief gatherings for students, and a new support group has been created for those mourning losses unrelated to death, such as not being able to see one’s grandparents or have a large, traditional wedding.

Students, faculty and staff have access to clinical and spiritual counselors through CAPS, the Faculty Staff Help Center and the Office for Religious and Spiritual Life. Those seeking counseling don’t need a clinical diagnosis, and if an office doesn’t offer the specific support needed, they can connect people to the appropriate resources, Hsu added.

Also, a new class offered by the Office for Religious and Spiritual Life called “Meeting the Moment” focuses on developing tools for handling uncertainty, grief and loss. The popular class has been overenrolled every quarter, Steinwert said, and she encourages students to join its waitlist.

“You never have to be alone in your grief at Stanford, whether staff, student, faculty or alum,” Steinwert said. “We live in a community of people who want to support one another, and I encourage people not to be shy or feel ashamed of where they may be in their own grieving process but to reach out and connect to someone else.”