Gaieties writers share the top 10 lamest things about Cal

Oski is dead (again), but the Cal-bashing continues. The head writers of this year’s Gaieties – Diego Dew and Robin Fierberg – explain what makes UC Berkeley so lame.

Diego Dew and Robin Fierberg are the head writers for the 2019 Gaieties. (Image credit: Alex Kekauoha)

It’s Big Game week, which means it’s that time of year when Stanford reinforces its dominance over the university with the stellar record for most consecutive Big Game losses: the University of California, Berkeley. It also means that Ram’s Head is performing Gaieties, Stanford’s annual musical making fun of all things Cal. This year’s show – “Midterm Impossible: Ghost Proto-Cal” – premiered Wednesday night, with performances continuing through Friday. If you haven’t done so already, be sure to get your tickets for both Gaieties and Big Game.

In keeping with the spirit of the week, Gaieties head writers Diego Dew and Robin Fierberg share their list of the 10 lamest things about Cal. (The Roundabout offers its sincere apologies to Devin.)

  1. Cal hasn’t won a Big Game this decade.
  2. My friend Devin goes there, and he doesn’t know how to use a fork.
  3. Cal is a lot like Disneyland, if Disneyland sucked.
  4. My friend Devin goes there and he stole the Squirtle card from my Pokémon deck in the third grade.
  5. Cal’s rice pilaf is underwhelming.
  6. Cal only has 1,500 feet of sewage piping.
  7. My friend Devin goes there and he took my crush to prom. And he knew I liked Sheila because we talked about it.
  8. Cal has no skate parks on campus.
  9. Cal doesn’t write a full-length musical from scratch for Big Game.
  10. My friend Devin goes there and he just texted me that he and Sheila are engaged and their wedding will be in Orinda.

Dew and Fierberg’s friend Devin, who attends UC Berkeley. (Image credit: Courtesy Diego Dew and Robin Fierberg)